I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
he just fucked me for my cheese..
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
