I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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