i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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