I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
