She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
