thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
