i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
