I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
