____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Randomize
