i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
