why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
