My friends, they love my intelligence
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Randomize
