Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
