i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
