Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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