So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I wear drunk well.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
