Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
