isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
