At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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