I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
