Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
