fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Randomize
