I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
