Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
