we're chasing vodka with high fives
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
