I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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