I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
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