i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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