guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
