I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
