I think my fart just growled at me.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
It's not a walk of shame if you run
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Randomize
