My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Is it because I queefed?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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