There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
They are going to name an STD after you.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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