There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
