My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
