Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
