ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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