i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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