I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
