Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
