I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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