they won't let me drive with my sombrero
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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