i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
