When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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