Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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