so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
