you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Randomize
