I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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