i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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