fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize
